Seven Words

You sent a text in it seven words. Four of which I heard, read and felt plenty of times. Three that I have only read once. I took them in and processed them, no one had ever said that to me. Ever, so simple yet I felt like I would be moved to tears by their beauty. I can't seem to get the word straight in my head to describe what I feel. Peaceful, secure, beautiful, stunned, amazed, impressed, calm, happy, happy, and even more happy. How simple it is to make me happy. You my love are so amazing and perfect for me. I am so blessed to have you in my life and I thank god for you. Thank you, for everything ♥.

This feeling is amazing, so peaceful it feels like I am floating.


{He said: I love you baby. Only you baby.Received at 12/31/10 1:37 pm. Reaction: & for the first time in my life, I believed it.}

#50

Just changing the way I say things makes life so fun. I GET to face myself everyday and I GET to create a new things in each moment.

#49

I am so ready to be really open

#48

How many times did you hurt me to make you happy? Now that I am gone was it worth it?

Four of the seven things I need to know from you (47)

When you write, what drives you?

Number 46

I keep saying something until I am free of it, then I move on :]

#45

Your smile makes me knees weak and my heart melt but I barly see it, it makes me feel like I don't make you happy. :l

>.> Old me talking

#44

I write you notes every Sunday for two reasons
1) I want you to know that I am thinking of you and that I love you.
2) I am to scared to say what I say in those notes out aloud

#43

When I don't know what to write in a blog...I listen to Ursa Major and it all clears up

#42

I figured out why you remind me of the color blue, because when I think of you I think of the water. If you had any idea how much the water means to me you would know how huge that is.

#41

I have never been this crazy about someone before....smh

Locked in a room

I am locked in a room and I can't seem to find the key. So I sit and thinking of everything I let pass by me. All the wasted moments and open doors I walked by. In these moments I make the decision to fly. I want to be able to say I lived my life to the fullest, so when I die my headstone could say "Damn what a life." I want to live my life better then just okay or fine. I want to live extraordinary. I refuse to be locked in room and let life pass me by. So I Will kick down the door and join the living because I can't saying I am alive if I am living like the dead. So avoid doors that will trap you in because each second you try to get out of your locked room is a second you won't get back.

#40

The definition of perfection is every moment I spend with you <3

#39

Everytime you draw near I can feel you coming closer and thats when the butterflies take flight ♥

Nightmare

Eyes closed and breathing is heavy. I am running in the dark confines of my mind and all I know is that, I can't let my demons get me. Twisted images flooding my mind, I am in cold sweats. I am trying to wake up but I am trapped in my terror. The darkness starts to swallow me and my heart rate increases. Damn I am stuck in this alley and there is no way out. My demons creep closer, faces disfigured and claws covered in blood. I am shivering and I am aware that I am pulling my sheets tighter. Whimpers escape my lips and I am trying to figure out how to get out of this shit. Something grabs me and I scream and jolt awake. At least it was just a dream but there is a hand mark on my arm and I can't shake the feeling that I am my inner demon.

Addictions

I am addicted to the pen, the smell of ink and the feel of paper. I am addicted to the feel of your lips on mine. I am addicted to the heat of the spotlight on my face. I am addicted the sweet wishers in a language that foreign to me in my ear. I am addicted to the flash of a camera while I pose for the picture. I am addicted to the feel of the keys under my fingers as I type each blog. I am addicted to way your hands feel as the brush against my skin. I am addicted to the sound of your laughter and the look of your smile. I am addicted to the stories that you tell me over the phone. Addicted to the way you tell stupid jokes and they way you act silly. I am addicted laughing and holding hands. I am addicted to my talents and the ideas of changing the world. I am addicted to hugging trees and being a crazy. I am addicted to honesty and the music you create. I am addicted to meeting new people and creating new relationships. I am addicting to keeping others secrets safe and addicted to telling mine. I am addicted to the sound of my words when they flow like I want them to. But I have to admit what I am addicted to most is you.

Facts of life

You are the only expectation, is the song that really really represents you in my life.

#38

I feel like you are talking to him because you know it annoys me. *sighs* and I can't blame him because he doesn't know me like that

Three of the seven things I want to know from you (#37)

What closed you off so much?

Yesterday

I was so so happy that I was with my family and I had so much fun ♥. I want to thank God for my gift of Family & You <3

I wonder why

I freeze up with you be my side. I can't seem to just relax completely. I don't know why but being with you brings up old fears of not being good enough. I couldn't even study a lot because all I kept thinking was, what if he doesn't think I am smart enough for him?I don't act around you because I keep thinking, what if he thinks I suck? I need to change my thought patterns, that is the only way I will be able to really give you my all on your mix tape. & I want to give you my all. I can do it because I am a super talented and incredible person. I know you see that me because if you didn't you wouldn't want me to be on your mix tape in the first place. I need to stop wondering why and just change it. WE ARE EQUALS!!!!! :D & I love you

#36

I know you have the hots for my boyfriend......it's okay I won't tell

#35

I wish I could say sorry that I hurt you but the fact is I didn't.

#34

You, my baybee, are what pushes me to be incredible, it mostly out of love but a little out of the fact that I want to be better then you <3

Excuse Me

I heard I offended you, um I wish I could say sorry but I am not lying. Shit happens, thats the story of these pages. I am wish I could pretend that what I said wasn't true but I am going be real with myself because I am so tried of being fake with you. Let it be known for the record that I did what I had to do. I fell in love with an idea, and fall out love with the thought of you. Sweet little giggles on pillows while everyone else was dreaming but not everything is how it seems. Pixie dust kept me from breathing, there is only some lies I will allow myself to believe in. So Excuse Me, its time for me to break free, now I am just going to be me. No need for magic or bullshit, you don't like well fuck you too because I am trying to breath not suffocate you. So excuse me if my honest ways offend the world you dwell in. I refuse to crumble at the first sign of shit getting tough, I was made to stand and weather every season. I am sorry, The Ursa Major Factor got me saying it like it is. Ha ha only I am not sorry, I am glad, tired of trying to spare you from the Truth. I am ready to move on, bags been packed since I found out that you make me kind of sick. I am tried of pretending that my love is not something worth respect. Yeah, I will always care about you from a far. A distance that, I refuse to cross, excuse me for being loyal to me first. Sounds selfish? Like I give a fuck. Its time to live for Stephanie and breath life into the world like only I can. So Excuse me because they say I am being a bit on the mean side. Oops I guess some people can't handle rough shit, don't worry I got a soft side. So excuse me because this is the last time I will ask for a pardon. Hello, me its been a while but I am glad you could make it.

Secert Lies

You tell yourself to address the world with the face you wear, fuck that. Your mask is becoming transparent, are you scared that I will see your scarred face? Are you afraid that your fuck up are going to scare me away? Baby, I don't scare easily. Your fuck up are what make you amazing, the secret lies you fill you own head with are full of shit. I could care less how many scars fill your arms from self mutilation, I would kiss each cut line like its the most beautiful thing I have seen. I will love you despite it all. Hand me your wounded heart and know that I will cherish it as more then one that was in mint condition. Invite me to dinner with your inner demons and lets have a chat, so that when I send them off you feel that much lighter. Tilt the bottle and slip your secret, liquid gold, let me drink it. You want to have memories to always hold true that let me be your words. Treat me like the art form you love. I was built tough like Ford, so test out my durability. Through all your fears on me and know that I won't carry it I would throw it to the side like you should have. Secret lies that you tell yourself might start sounding like truths. I am here to call you on your bullshit and push you into you either fall of fly. I expect the same from you. I have my wings I can soar through the skies, you can't fly if you can't see. Your mask will blind you, your secret lies will weigh you down till you fall. So let it go, pretend I am your booth, hit record and let it go. I am waiting for the storm , ready to stand in the eye of your hurricane and watch the beauty of your inner destruction, because when you finally fall part, you can rise from the ashes. Born a new and ready to take on the world with your face, scars and all. So, keep the secrets lies flowing from your mouth until you get sick of the sound of your own shit, because I see the day when Bency and Ursa Major are one. So I sit and wait because when it happens I want to say welcome and be the first to witness the birth of the greatest star to step on this earth. So baby, can you really give me what I want?

Dancing with Shadows

I take it by the hand and spin it into a dizzy fit. I refuse to let my past dictate my future. So let us dance, right off the plains of my life or at least until you are behind me. So let the shadows try to grab me, all I have to say is good day to you. For I see the light that is my future and there is no room for you. Sorry I put on sign on the entrance no shadows allowed. So lets us have out last dance let the music of old tears be our song. Let the dance floor be ours for a few seconds. I will provide you with a few graceful steps and then it is time for you to be put behind me. My days of dances are over, now I will embrace each moment of life as a new. Because FYI the future is now and I want to embrace I don't know about you. ♥ Now my only shadow is the man who stands by my side and is willing to step behind to let me shine. ♥

Tender Lips.

Tender lips explores the canvas that is my body. I am ready for you to write your love on my pages. You can go crazy and let loose, let your emotions carry you over the inches of my body. Let you hands run over me and fill me with your creative. Mark me as your own and be the one and only to make my page fill with color. Make me your partner, sigh your name on me with your tongue. Create music through our pants and let the moans be the foundation to a climax let to come. Keeping turning me out until my body cries for you. The let the room fill with our medley and let our bodies record this feeling for eternity. Let my body be the blank pages to a song your haven't created yet. Write your love all over me and then get addict to the feeling. We can create different songs every night. We can take the booth and bring it to the bed room. I am your page, you can fill my body with ink whenever you desire to. All that matters is that these tender lips belong to you and yearn for your kisses. This tender lips let go of secrets as they press against your mouth. So they want to let you know that whenever you are ready you can fill the pages of your rhyme book.

#33

I threw all my efforts into you to avoid the fact that there was no more holding on to you (the second you is not who you expect)

Two Things I miss most

1) I miss falling alsepp with you on the phone
2) I miss playing the question game and telling stories
:D

Twisted Pages.

My paper is crumbled up in my hands. I feel betrayed, I can't help but want to tear the pages of this notebook out. They reveal to much, reading each words makes me feel naked. My words always telling the truth, I never write a lie unless its fiction. So balled in my fists are the word of a lover written to you. Things I am unwilling to admit written plain for you to see. So, I tore out the pages and I twisted them into my fist. I do not want you to know my inner thoughts, or how much I need you. I tighten my fist, why can't I stop from writing all this? Why can't my pen stop kissing my paper and spreading my secrets across its lines? I know why I won't stop it because I love the freedom it gives me not having these secrets on my chest. To not bare the burden of things unsaid. So I take the page and smooth out the wrinkles and place in on the table where you can find it. Because these twisted pages lead to twisted talks that lead to our in tangled love. So if it takes every secrets and twisted page I got to keep us this way, I will keep the pages coming.

Wishes

My thoughts run to you, where my body can't be. I wish I could embrace you. I wish I was in your arms as I fall to sleep tonight. I know that I will dream of you but I wish i was dreaming while laying next to you so your warmth could be my covers. I wish I were in your bed every night from now until forever. I wish......I wish...............damn I just wish you were here.

#32

Writing my feelings out is simple....saying them out loud is hard.

#31

I wrap my legs around you, just to pull your closer. That's the problem, you are never close enough. Why is it that your never close enough? I wonder if our flesh somehow became one and if our minds thought on the same pattern, if our breathing had the same rhythm, if our souls got tangled up together, would that be close enough?

Reality.

Tangled up in the sheets, you force your breathing to match mine. See on some days I don't like you. I climb out of bed and creep down the stairs to get away from you. I even hold hands with an old lover and when I realized that I missed him we may get caught up in the moment. Sometimes you are no fun and all ever do is say it like it is and leave no room to pretend. But that's just the way Reality is, always getting furious when I sneak away with my dreams. I just like to flirt with reality when everything gets boring. I don't love you the way you love me and I am sorry but my heart is in the clouds cradled by dreams. I am a dreamer baby, but when my dreams become reality well that when you find me tangled in the sheets with him.

# 30

I am so so so so so so in love with you......................I would move the world if it got in the way of us........... because nothing will keep me from spending forever with my baybee♥

#29

>_> Its early as hell

#28

I have never felt so sure in my love for someone

Two of the seven things I need to know from you (#27)

I need you to believe that me and you are here to stay. Power couple of the century.

#26

I always miss you and when we are together I always wish I could make the moment last forever

Plainly Beautiful.

I have mt eyes fixed on the boy with the dark skin and slick tongue. I have my sights trained on the boy with the sweet laughter and a way with words. See he has captivated me in his plain beauty and I can't seem to get enough of the boy with the unique name and a quick rhyme. He has a way with women, at least that's what they say, but he isn't smooth just awkward enough to be considered cute. He captivates me with his inability to put his thoughts in words unless there is a rhythm to them. I can see into his eyes and his soul speaks to me and I am stuck in the plain beauty of the eternity I can see with this boy. This plain boy who at first glance looks like every other but when you get past the surface there is no other. No other boy with the dark skin and ability to make me want to bring him into my pages and let him see words no other eyes but mine have bestowed. I am at a lost, this plainly beautiful now seem extraordinary and it is scary how much I would do to keep this beauty by my side. This boy is the one who I crave forever and more with. This boy is the beginning to an end. This boy, my boy is the reason I wake up and smile because I get to call this boy my love, my baybee, my boyfriend ♥

#25

I want to be perfect for you. Being perfect is hard.

Dear Shamar.

Dear Shamar,

I am thinking about you as I pace, hands frozen, on my porch. I am writing you a letter you will never recevie but i can't find Heaven's address and the people at 411 think I am crazy. You were the glue that held our family togehter, and it seems that the effects of that glue is waering off. See we have been falling apart since you were recruited to God's big band in the sky. Ariel that he didn't care about us...or the room. People stopped showing up and even talking shit and almost got our home taking away from us. David keeps changing and even Harvey is questioning him. Harvey is leaving.


( I just couldn't finish this)

#24

I feel like you are only with me till you find something better.

23

I am always thinking about you and wishing we were together and it kind of scares me because it hasn't even been a month yet =/

#22

I will do anthing to keep you forever expect one thing........and I am already considering do that too =/

My extact thoughts.

Atm: Fuck you

Number 20

The music room isn't the same without you.

#21: I had a crush on you

#19

I let my nails grow long so I am dig them into people's skin.

#18

No one has ever inspired me as much as you.

Bedsheets.

I let my imagination takes us to crisp white bedsheets, your hand is trailing up my inner thigh and I quiver. I open my month to protest by you tongue is following your fingertips and my voice is caught in my throat. I can feel the warmth of your breath against me and my heart starts to pounds. I am trying to think of reason to get your eyes back on mine when you tongue traces me and I forgot the words I was thinking. My thoughts become clouded by the thought of you inside of me. I am moaning because my words had betrayed me, the left my lips in broken up, panted syllabus. My attempts to get you to stop only have you eager for more.
My legs are shaking, my toes are curling and my mind is on fucking you. I can feel myself becuming a part of you. You start working your way back up on me and I can feel you pressed against me. You are dying to be inside me and I am open and ready for entry. You slide in and I feel whole again, just like the last time we were loving. I am literally empty between the time when we are dressed and when you slip yourself into me. This isn't sex baybee what we are doing in poetry, and they said we could only do this shit verbally. We are reaching the peak, this is better then verbal Ecstasy. Seeing how high we can go you increase the speed, word spilling onto the sheets, mixing with the rest of you and me. When we through you hold me in your arms and you rest your head on me. The bedsheets are crumbled and still white despite the to fact that we just got dirty.

Damn my imagination keeps running wild on me.

The beauty in your body ♥

My hands traces you back, I can feel the imperfections in your skin. They make me tingle. Your lips against my neck like the softest rose petals. The way you hand feels against my flesh causing goose bumps to rise where you just touched. I look into your eyes I see the imperfection their and I can't help but smile. The scar on your leg shaped like a heart is so beautiful, my legs shake. You touch me and my body forget that its mine, it just wants to belong to you. It wants to belongs to the brown skin that's wraps every inch of who you are. The way your lashes frame your eyes keeps my heart pounding at rapid paces as you approach me. The way you tongue feels while its tracing my neck causing me to shiver with the anticipation of your next move, oh while I can't help but admire you. You body holds a beauty to great to describes so I let my hands do the talking and hope you can see how much I appreciate that beauty.

One of the seven things I need from you. (17)

I want to strip your layers away like an onion and get to the core of who you are.

Just another Confession.

I don't know what you bring out of me but I love it ♥

Random, Raw, Rant.

Kill the creativity, its strangled under your chockehold. [Man, cupid's chockehold is a pretty cool song. ]MY life went from being a lonely loner [Tee hee Kid Cudi] to occupation single mom [=O No I don't have kids] Running around trying to get all this shit right but its still not enough for you at the end of the night. My flaws are just to fatal to our relationship, so I watch as old images of you and I slip. Trapped between who I am and who I need to be. Between a student and a sit home mommy. Yet when I want to discipline my bother I can't cause he isn't my son. I have never been enough to be something you appercaited and now I am just a little girl who recently got jaded. Image downgrade because I yearned to be happy. Now that I have a life you pull me back because me living my life seems to be a sin. I will tell you a story thru the tears I have cried trying to figure out when my teens years up and died. But why should you care you have it made. A babysitter who is always on call and no need to get paid. I am husseling to leave where I am at at two like its prime time and my favorite show is about to be on t.v. But who cares you have other things to to. But tell me when Did I stop being me and became a single mom version of you? Salt water leaking form my eyes is the closet thing I have to expressing how I feel but I feel the weight of your foot on my neck so I am stressing. But all that matters to you is my grades and my commitment to you. Forget Stephanie lets Focus on the impersonal shit.

[This isn't really related to each other, even if it seems that way...just random thoughts and blah, I also wrote this last friday]

Cell Phone Diaries

I little white lied my way to the top of the bottom. The only way to get any higher is to sleep my way up, but I rather be down her and attempt to claw my way through the masses of bodies then degrade myself to upgrade my image. But can I make it through the slick crevices of the sweaty over worked masses? Can I make it past the labels and all the haunted pasts? Can I move passed the privileged and the men who just have it easy? Or will I be stuck down here suffocating under the sweat filled ambitions and fallen dreams? I dig my nails into the flesh of the halfway there and climb past the falling bodies that are slipping into despair. You have to fight if you want to make in this fucked up world. Its not about the fame of the fortune I just need fresh air to breath. Instead of the toxic fumes that once used to be human dreams. I can't take breathing in this sadness and destruction. I need to make it to the tip this mountain so I dig my heels in so I won't slip when I make it. I little white lied my way to the top of the bottom but what will it take to get to the very top of the heap? How much am I willing to let go?

[ I wrote this last Thursday night...11/4/2010]

Angry thoughts.

I want top be a prick not unlike a needle causing small punctures in your skin. I want to be dick ramming you until you scream to get rid of me. I want let loose on you and fuck you over , walk out the door and never call you. I want to be a cunt teasing you with a taste of me going hard till it hurts for me then walk away gracefully. I want to be a cynic tell you all your dreams are just make believe and watch as you look for hope aimlessly. I want to be your worst nightmare haunting you horribly while your nights are filled with me causing a lost of sleep, while you stay up and think of me, as your heart pounds for me.I want to let loose on you verbally and watch as you lose track because you can't keep up with me. I want to belittle you till you can't reach the key anymore like Alice so close to the floor that if I pick up my foot I will crush you in ways I would never allow you to do to me. Let go of the lies and rape you with the truth this is sodomy. Can't call the cops because I slip them some green and now they are kind to me. Because nothing talks like the green paper that paints and corrupts our cities. I want to tear you apart limb from limb and watch your blood pool and hope its enough for me to take a swim. I want you to yearn for me because no one can kiss your lips with a bite so hard that it breaks flesh like me. I want you to cry for me let those tears roll down your cheeks because they are clear reminders of your feeling for me and that I treat you like the shit, like a prick that I am meant to be. I want you to love me because even though I smile at you evilly and have you knelt over praying to god for him to get through to me I still love you with a taste of hate on my lips. I still love the way your flesh feels after every hit , bruised by the knowledge that I am over you but I won't let you get over me because pay back is a bitch and your about to win the lottery. You lied to me. I want to the voice in your head that nags you you till the day are dead. I want to do a lot of fucked up things but instead I look my side and I see my man standing there and I remember why I should be a better me and not let you know that you can still faze m.e. So instead I will say I want to be a greater me, smart, successful and full of brutal honesty and I will let the record show that this me no longer needs you. I have a new source of love and it already taste better then your love ever tasted to me.



[I don't remember when I wrote this I think it was last Friday morning all I know is that I was pissed as hell.]

Thoughts that Run wild.

I sit in my room leg crossed in the middle of this chaotic mess and cry. The thought of ever seeing you holding another’s ripped into my brain and tears into my heart. Pretty little pictures of forever tainted by the knowledge of our differences. I sit, and my heart heaves and cries out with the heavy burden of loving you. But none of it matters because I don’t plan on losing you. Not because I love you so much that thought makes me want to breathe in my tears and drown my lungs in sorrow but because I have made you the sun in my universe and nothing on my earth can live without the sun. I feel attacked, my thoughts swarming me and showing me a future without you. I crumple into a heap on the floor. STOP!!! I can’t stop the thoughts, can’t stop her from telling me I will never be enough for you. That my pale skin and brown eyes are just to plain for your beauty. That my words fall short of the perfection that you require. That I am just another girl in your world who will fade with time. But I can’t see you fading for my life, like a scar if you go I will wear the reminder forever. This tears won’t be the only thing to proclaim my lose. I love you. But will those three little words be enough to keep you, the center of it all, by my side. Have I been foolish, to allow you to be what no other has. Have I been stupid, to have let myself open up to you drastically. To them they see month of time with you be I see an eternity, shrunk to fit the days of man. My guard has been lowered and whatever walls there were seem to be gone and I am standing exposed in a room full of strangers but when I spot you I am fine. You, I can’t lose you. My thoughts trail back to the painful dark alley my mind seems to want to take. I see your life without me, the beauty of your wife and you house that is a shrine to your marriage. I can’t see my life without you, and I have tried but it’s like walking in a dark alley at midnight, only darkness stretches ahead of me. You, I have invested too much in you and I fear a crash in the market. I will lose it all if I lose you. I wish I was being dramatic but it’s something I feel within the depths of my soul. You were made for me, woven form the same fabric of words that God made me in. Destiny, just a word until I met you and your presence had an effect on me. Drawn to the boy with the notebook in hand, carelessly wandering into this world I was not ready for. This love is so strong I wonder how we carry it but it more then just temporary high like with the others, I can feel the tree of my life plant its roots inside your love for me. The tree is growing and so is my fear because the more I give to you the more I know my life without you is impossible. No amount of shoulders to cry on would keep me from needing you. Not in a creepy clingy way just in a way I can’t describe. Losing you would be like finding out how to walk but losing the ability to move. The idea of it all keeps me laying on my floor the dark room keeping my tears from being seen. I muffle my cries by biting into my skin and even though I bleed it doesn’t compare to this horrible scene. Your holding her hand and you say you love her too and as you say those words I can hear my heart respond to you, please don’t go it cries out into the distance but you can’t hear it because you let me go. And I am left on this floor with nothing else but my love for you and puddle full of tears. Because I love you but I need to last for more then a few years.

#14

I used to wish I was a boy till I was like ewww they suck too

# 13 ♥

I have never missed a single person this much in my life

#12

Me and my best friend used to be tough.......now we are cheesy and girly +P

Watching you go.

I got up and stared into you eyes, & I got lost in them like I always do. We kissed and I felt a tenderness fill my heart to the brim with love. Then you were opening the door and walking out and my heart ached. I had a powerful urge to cry, to run after you hug you from behind and tell you not to leave. Instead I stood and smiled a sad smile as you blew me a kiss. I stood there my heart feeling heavy for a minute. I know its notthe last time I will see you but I can't stop the ache. I miss you more then before...........damn he is going to make me fall in love.

The past two days ♥

Idk what to write but I can sum up Friday and today like this: I have not been this happy, this free, this amazingly joyous in forever... ♥

########11########

I don't think about him anymore. He can no longer hurt me =]

Contacts.

#1 Mah baybee ♥
# 2 Oxy Cotton tail
# 3 Mah Little sistah

Just based off reading that, you should know my life is better then yours.....=D
I adore mah contacts.....RANDOM BLOG!!!!! =]

Number ten

I am scared to let you in completely.

My family ♥

I adore my family ♥, every single member. =] (Googie real name Elvis is not in the picture.) I am very happy and blessed to finally have the big family I always wanted. They do get on my nerves and drive me crazy but I am still very happy. They kept me joyous (before my love came along.) and they still do. So I wanted many "many" readers to know that I am love all eight member of my family and all four in Florida. (and all extended family members)

I Love my best friend.

Three years & still going. We have been through hell and back and it only made us stronger. I am glad to have you as my best friend. You are strong, smart, beautiful, funny, silly, creative, wonderful and a billion other awesome things. ♥ I am very happy to be in your life and that you are in mine. I am so so happy that you are finally happy, like you deserve. You my lovely are so awesome ^_^ .......and we will be friends forever.......because I promised....and its a pleasure.......=] ............☺☺☻♥☻ & you are the family I choose and I am happy to kept you as my partner in crime. We loves are men but there is nothing like a good female friend.

I love my big sister ♥

Number nine.

I still miss you, only now its in brief painful flashes. I love you grandpa ♥, but life can't love death.

NumberEight. 8 =]

I never really, truly, pictured my life with anyone before you.

Overflow.

I can't seem to stop writing. I can't seem to stop the words about you to stop spilling from my fingers tips. They are flowing for me like tears from a emo. I can't stop you from inspiring who I am. I am letting you become a huge part of me. You, damn you. I never thought I would be here. Never thought that I would be scribbling names in my notebook again. I never thought I would be sending off the I am so in love vibes everywhere I go. I let that all go, maybe it is true, when you stop looking, love finds you. I now have you ♥. Have I told you how beautiful you are today, how special you are. I have I mentioned how talented you are, how soft your lips are, how sweet you smell. Did I say thank you for driving me to school today. OR how I appreciate the fact that you provided for me to get home. Did I mention how amazing you smile is? Or how much I love how real with me you are? Well if I haven't here I am telling you what you mean to mean ......again lol

♪Cause you're amazing just the way you are.♫

Number seven.

Four days before you asked me to the movies I was still crying over him.

All in her Head.

His hands are wrapped around her, the water is dripping and her eyes are closed. Every cell in her body is humming. She can feel every breath he takes, every beat his hearts make. She has never felt so close to one person in her life. All that matters is you. She can take on the world if she has you. When you are by her side she is a better her. She never thinks those cruels and sometimes evil thoughts that can cluttered her head. NO, you make her the person she used to be, the person she buried under years of crap and disappointment. So even though you are naked pressed close against her body, she only feels one thing. LOVE. A love so intense it overwhelms her. She can't help but feel the need to become one with you. IN every way possible. Not just emotional, but physically and spiritually too. They try to tell her its lust, but its not. It is a need. A passionate intense feeling to become completely one with you. She wants to be everything for you. Your girl, your best friend, your lover, your wife, your home boy, she wants to be it all for you and more. Because she loves you and she can't say it enough. She touches you, her hands sliding down your wet back, the feeling is electrifying. Its sends sparks of passion into her spine and shots of love into her veins. She has never been this close to anyone. Just you. & only you because you are her it, the one, her knight in shining armor, her blue eyed soul, her other half, the yin to her yang, you complete her. No she wasn't broke before, no now she is just more whole. You kiss her and say I love you and she says I love you too, and even though she has said it to other boys before, she has never ever meant it like she does now. She lets the passion take over losing track off time while the temperature of the water builds till its to hot to handle. With every second you are with her, she keeps thinking I love you, and if its takes forever to prove it, well she is willing to put in the time.

Cause not everything is all in her head. ♥

♥10202010♥

Desire (& not the street car.)

I feel it surge through my body, the need to be touched by you. The urge to have you explore my body with your hands, sends waves to my brain that stops all rational thinking. My thoughts start forming in pictures. Your hands, my thighs. Your tongue, my neck. Your lips, my shoulder blades. Your belt, my button. Your shirt, my pants. STOP. I shake my head clear the clouds that are forming. I have to stop your touch form making me hazy. But your hand trailing down my back and my body on alert. Hyper sensitive to your touch, my body arcing closer to you because I can't get enough. You breath and my lungs try to match your rhythm. I shiver with anticipation with each kiss. My body reacting before my mind catches up. I try to stop myself but I have forgotten how to think straight. My goal becomes you, on top of me, under me, in me. I can't stop the desire in flows in my veins quicken my heartbeat. I can see us entangled in the bedsheets. My body reaching the highest peak. You causing me to sing your name like the highest praises. My toes curled, my hands grabbing what they can find, me and you have been all the way and beyond in my mind. I smile and kiss you and try to clear my mind because if I keep going like this I be mind fucking you all the time.

A new kind of Calm.

I see you and the world makes more sense then when you were gone. You walk closer and my world becomes you. I feel calm, like all my worries have silenced and the world is a beautiful place. You are my little escape form the world far better then books and sweet then movies. I can sink into you and lose myself without losing myself. I know that when I need you, that you will be there and that only makes life that much sweeter. You, oh how I love you. How easily I let my feet sink into the comfort of your loves. How almost instantly I let my body mold into yours. You just know, at least that's what they say& I know that you are for me. You are the other pea in mah pod (Lilith is of course in mah pod♥). Sweet kisses, the way you skin feels against mine, ahhhh I am falling for you at rapid paces & every time I feel like I can fall no more, I fall deeper. I feel a new kind a calm with you. & I am comfortable in our beginning of forever.

Dangerously in Love ♥.

I am sitting with you on the phone, you are asleep. Yet I sit headphones in my ears and let you hear what I am doing, dictating everything just so I can pretend that you are here. I like the thought of always having you with me =]. I can't believe what I feel for you its crazy. With you I don't feel the need to control everything because you are MAN ENOUGH to take control of it. I don't have to dumb myself down for you or pretend to be someone I am not. With you its all me, Stephanie. I don't even have to think about the answer to the question "Do you trust me?" because I do. Even though I get scared sometimes, I brush it off, I refuse to let my fear keep me from loving you and giving you a real chance. YOU, you do shit to me I can't explain, I am acting differently and you, you could mean the world to me ♥. I could give you everything & more. Walk the world for you just to get you what you need. I am crazy. I got of be. How else would I be willing to give you all of me. I thought I learned my lessons but you got me acting like all of this is new to me. I look at the pictures of the one who tortured me and it doesn't even hurt anymore because you seemed to have healed me.You make me want to breath in your scent the way I breath in air....I want to live off it. You make me feel like I am free flying from the sky and I feel so alive. Its crazy how much you already mean to me and it can only get deeper. This is real. Fuck a prince charming I got mez a lyricist. He is a prince of words and me tangled in his lyrics and caught rhythm of his soul. Its to late ...I Love You♥ I can't say it any other way. I can show it in a million ways and still feel like its not enough. When you walk away I miss you, I count the seconds till I see you again. Baybee....ahhh I love the way you look at me, making it seem like I am the most important person in the world. God, I can't stop thinking about you. I love having you near, your body heat chasing the cold away. I am Ursa Major's girl & I will say that with pride because there are girl out there willing to kill to be at your side. Let me just say this baby, I will wait forever and a day as long as that time is spent with you ♥

♥

I could feel it, the emotion(for lack of a better word) seep from your lips into mine. .....Ahh I can't think straight he said he loves me ♥

Terrfied.

My knees shake, my heart pounds and I can't help but feel afraid. I count the seconds you are with me, hoping that you won't turn and walk away. That you won't think WTF? I am doing here. I look in your eyes hoping that they will tell me what your lips don't say. I feel myself faltering, instinct trying to pull me back. "Stay safe!" My head shouts, I chose to ignore it and trudge forward. I am doing the right thing...right???? NO stop don't do this.........not again. DOn't make him pay for someone elses mistakes.....GOD HELP ME

Kinda Beautiful.

I think its kinda beautiful how our skin tones live in the opposite ends of the color spectrum. The way your makes mine seem that much lighter. I think its kinda beautiful that a hour with you brings back the words that eluded me for months. The way you lift a block that had my pages blank for such a long time that I forgot what the ink looks like against pages. I think its kinda beautiful how you can see me clearly yet I can hide the simplest fact. I am crazy but its kinda beautiful. I think its kinda beautiful that with you I can always keep it real with you. I think its kinda beautiful that I can listen to your words for hours and never grow sick of hearing about your Storm Watch. I can spend days away from you and I would miss the rhythm of your natural speech. I think its kinda beautiful how you can't hang up the phone at night so you just wait till I fall to sleep. I think its kinda beautiful, the silent emotion that fills my chest when you are near. I think its kinda beautiful. Problem is I can never really know what you really think, but I guess thats kinda beautiful too.

Ursa Major.........with twist of Poison

Shifting Gears


He said: driving
No destination, just an open road
empty, all alone, but still more crowded than I'm hopin for
enough gas to leave the past behind
and a fresh a pair of glasses to block the sunshine




cruising
my mood requires soothing music
just enough emotion to remind me that I'm human
my soul is tinted, but still light enough to see through it
top down, so are my windows
just enough so I can feel the wind blow

speeding
accelerating just cause I'm impatient
switching lanes like I'm in your favorite racing game
tires roll, smooth over paved roads
but I ain't hands free, I'm texting from my new phone

live and learn how to handle curves
can't help but wonder if I could handle yours
I notice the only thing my car is missing is a passenger
are you the exit I been waiting for?

I'm tryin to reach you from the fast lane
but by the time I get there, might be too late.
Its hard to slow down on this highway
so I'm trying to pump brakes

too fast, but I can't brake.
I'm gonna crashland, but I can't brake
no belt to keep me safe
I.
can't.
Stop.
I.
Can't.
Brake







Her response:



Shifting Priorities


I am walking away from society
Tried of everyone lying to me
but then something caught my eye
A boy who was passing by
A sweet smile on his lips
I just lost my grip

*breath*

My feet are moving towards where he stands
I can't control it like the sweating in my hands
I can smell him, like a hunter smells its prey
But I feel more like the victim that anything , yet I walk towards him anyway
I am scared

I am transfixed in the glory of his light
Like a deer stuck in headlights
I am breathing in his air
and I can't let myself care
I am terrified

I am dizzy,is he what I am searching for?
The king to my castle
Is he the one who can stop my downward spiral?
Has he come to save me?
I feel hope

I am staring at him watching him speak to me
The way he lips move have me getting dizzy
I am paralyzed by the hope he let sink in
I can't let this boy change what has begin
I am crazy

I need him to stop.
I stop looking at me like that.
Stop.
Please.
Stop.
I.
Can't.
Fall.

#6

Crazier things have happened but it seems I can't stand my ground. I think I just might be falling & its you who made me slip.

He. Part 2.

He reminds me of words. The way the seep into my pores like the rays of sun on a summer day. He reminds me of rhythm. The way it moves you without you even knowing. He reminds me of music. The way its an inspirtion to the things I do . He reminds me the wind. The way it softly caresses and cools my sweaty skin. I can't seem to fight the urge to smile around him. I let my guard down around him. Its like standing naked on a stage with your legs frozen so you can't move. With one smile he melted the the ice around my heart and opened my eyes. I had almost forgotten the beatuy in a sunrise. He reminds me that its okay to feel. Now I do, and I feel for him. Swarms of angry bees attack my stomach when I see him draw near. One look at him and I forget my fear. All I can think about is how good it feels to be with him. Even if he is only mine for a mintue. I want to freeze time just to stay with him longer. For once don't be so strong let him see the you that you once forgot how to be. He reminds me of who I am.

He.

He makes me think of holding hands and stolen kisses in between classes. He makes me think of secret jokes and names scribbled in notebooks connected by a plus sign. He makes me think of cuddling on the couch and walks in the rain. He makes me think of sly glancing that's followed by laughter because he caught you looking. He makes me think of puppy love ♥ and butterflies. He makes me think..... and it all reminds me of how it ends...............Heartbreak.

On my brain >>

You. Are. On. My. Brain. I can't seem to shake you. Damn you sir. *sighs*

& I wonder.

Why I even bother....

#6

I hate people who change for other people and create double standards in the process.

Simple Euphoria

On Saturday something wonderful happened. I had slept over Ash's house the prior night and not getting much sleep due to the "visitors" in her home and wandered into my room. It was almost as empty as it was when we first moved. There was only my t.v stand opposite my bookcase. And my two nightstand and vanity lining the wall where the one window is. I let my toes sink into the new plush carpet and sighed, it is so good to be in my haven. I was a cool day out and all three windows were open. I grabbed a sheet and laid it carefully on the floor, carried my pillow and bag of libraries books to the room and sighed. The sun streamed in beautifully I thought of, if only briefly, what a rare and beautiful photo op this would be if Lilith were here with her camera. I laid on my floor and smiled to myself, it was a rare day where my phone didn't go off not once, I was completely alone in my room and thoughts. Then something that hasn't happened in what seems like forever occurred ....I felt completely at peace. I picked up my book and smiled as I read...later drifting off to sleep under the warm afternoon sun with the cool breeze caressing my skin.

I haven't been that happy in a while.

It feels like I am dying.

Sometimes I wish I would wake up May 16th and the outcome was different. That you would still have a heartbeat, even a faint one. That you could have seen me turn 19. Two Months and it hurts more and more. I can barely keep my emotions intact. Angry, numbness, contentness, odd feelings of peace, emotions swirl and fill my head. I am stuck in a state of...I don't knowness. it a horrible feeling leading to crankyness and mega angry and IDK what to do about it....Idk even know how to write this blog. *sighs* THE END? I guess

My guilty pleasure

I love ♥ little colorful coveredbooks that they call "summer reads" like gossip girls and the nannies and now Au pairs ♥☺♥

#4

I dance alone in my room, recite monlouges and sing songs to entertain the C.I.A members who are watching me.

What makes me sick.....part 2

Perfection is the eye of the beholder......I have never beheld anything more perfect......My emotions towards you make me sick....weak in the knees............dreamed eyed all the story book bull shit.......but you will never know =O

What makes me sick...part one

The feel of skin against my skin on the bus. It makes my skin crawl and feel all icky. It is so GROSS!!!!!!!! That is one thing that makes me sick

I am a dick.

In fact writing this blog makes me more of a dick. FUCK men. The end.

#3

I hate being home alone....especially at night...the silence creeps me out

Why I eat .......Part 11 (Horrid. Just horrid.)

Today something happened, a man beat his "girlfriend" and his baby. Out of the two, its only the baby I care about. When I briefly held her in my arms I felt her fear and pain. Those unfit nutcases of parents don't deserve her. That sweet gift given to them by god. I want to cry for that baby. This toxic environment she didn't choose to be in. My mom took her from the shouting death match that when on upstairs. The father said "The baby is on the floor." I could hear her screaming and crying. Why was the baby on the floor? Was he some sick fuck trying to hurt her? Trying to touch her in ways he shouldn't? And that baby's mother,, will she be a dumb fuck and take that asshole of a father back into her life. Still I am only caring about that baby. I was reluctant to give her to her mother. Will she take the baby to the doctor like she should? Will she make sure her baby is okay? or will she ignore it and worry about how to get that scum of a man back? I feel horrid like I didn't do enough, I keep praying but I want to do more. That innocent helpless beautiful baby girl. Just thinking about her in danger makes me cry.

This world can be such a horrid crule place and thats because PEOPLE make it that way. With their sick ass minds and there evil and hurtful ways. Sometimes I wonder how I deal day to day with that knowledge, I don't. I read, I write, I hide from it all.

Fact 3:I want to help people, help the world, I don't know how but I do. I want to save someone's life.

Did my mother save that baby's life? I would say yes, only god knows what would happened if my mother didn't have the balls to go upstairs. This is why I love and admire her, no one in the world is a greater more selfless person in the world that is why she is my hero. Would I have done that same? I like to think so but either way I am still worried about that sweet baby girl.


{shock, yeah thats what I feel}

The words only eyes have spoken

Fact 2: (make up for sunday)
She reminds me of Barbie dolls sometimes when she smiles. Little by little the paint chipping off her fake smiles. Her eyes doorways to the soul which is broken, scared , bent yet strong. Sometimes it painfully to look at her. I hate the sadness there and how I feel helpless to do anything about it. She and I seem bounded, like our souls are intertwined in ways we don't understand. She contains a power to hurt me because her words matter. Though they shouldn't they do. She is me and i am her though we appear as two separate beings, we are one in the same. WE are the odd couple of modern times only our theme song would be more off kilter. I don't think about her mortality because I don't what would happen to me if I lost her. Though many have come before her I have never loved any as I have her. Weird huh? (no homo homie). So in my eyes we roam the world as immortals with a taste for being that much different.

Fact 3:
Ice box. I have never related to a song more in my life. My urges to kiss be held or so much as looked at by another has plummeted to only rare and brief moments. "I have an ice box where my heart used to be." hmmm guess so?

>> Oxy's idea

Following my best friend's lead...
fact one: I don't think I will ever be able to ....... see men the same after him >> he ruined life for meh...blah =D

She was right.

The end.

I woke up

I woke up with that feeling again....I can't seem to shake the thoughts of you......and all it does is pisses me off and makes me sad

I finally went on a coaster ^^

huh......oh well

Stories I need to Hear.......

Tell me your stories, those filled with the pain and hardships of love, so that I may not feel alone in my endeavor. Why have things become this way my sweet? When did everything get so complex and filled with confusion? Tell me stories of how you fell in love with the one.Please to me how it is supposed to work. not like this. I just want to hear your stories, to be inspired by your love and devotion. I want to know my dear, I just want to know.

Why is it my love that its become awkward between us? Did I mess up again? I didn't mean to. I don't what happened :/. But maybe if I hear the stories I will fell better and it will all go away. Please tell me you stories, I need to hear them.

Things that make me sick.

My hands are clammy, I stick them in my pocket but I can't keep the sweat from seeping through. Its weird huh, how I want something to last but the whole idea terrifies. My shell, I also retreat into it a soon as COMMIT is slipped into a conversation. Ah, I want something but don't want to work for it typical me.IMPULSE I seem to live on impulse, that what makes the world view me as fickle. Living on impulse no always good. Him oh no he is great but I have began to question if the words of another were right, "No body wants to put up with your crap." :/ It seems true enough, I mean I am all over the place, one day open another closed off, something I think to much other times to little , I haven't fund the balance yet. Yes, I am a huge mess but who isn't. Even the most put together person in the world will have a mess once in a while. I mean I am just trying to find myself. Damn hands revealing things that don't need to be known.

Ah, Mirror Mirror on the wall stop telling me what to do. I just want to break the face of the girl looking back at me. Her smile sweet and sure her eyes vulnerable yet strong. I hate her because I lost her buried so deep in the confines of my mind. Its like she mocking me. Live day to day they say, I can't do that I don't why its impossible that's of course unless I can. It depends on my mood. Yeah I am a moody girl it all depends that's the instability of the life as a teenagers I suppose. Excuse me, girl in the mirror where did you go?

Oh great I feel sick again, sick of him, her, you, especially you. So I stick my hands in my pocket in attempts to hide the sweat.

I HA.....I .....I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL

PLEASE DON'T TALK TO ME!!!!!! I AM TRIED OF HEARING YOUR LIES!!! Your bullshit is the scent you wear.I am so so hurt, numb. in pain idk what the hell to call it. I am just there. I don't know what to say so yeah. The end.

Why I eat.....Part10

Because I am so angry.



I feel the so pissed sometimes. Like I want to reach into the skulls of the violent and give them a taste of their own medicine. Sometimes all I see is red around the edges. Breath, Breath, I have to tell myself, its just ____, it might not even be about you. *teehee* Sometimes I feel a little on the out there side. O.o Yeah I said only a little. Sheesh, the angry just spills out sometimes you know? Spewing in every direction at everyone on my path. I am so breaking format in this blog, *sigh* oh well. It just I don't know, when I get pissed I feel dangerous. I run to distance myself from those I love just cause I fear hurting them. Don't underestimate me because I could hurt them. But I don't want to. I don't want to hurt anyone because I would have to live with myself afterwards. I couldn't do that, I have a good heart buried underneth the scars and wall I am trying to climb. I was foolish and young, I built walls and now I am trapped in. ANGRY, so angry that it has a taste, a smell, a feel, I can even see and hear it.

Angry


Free me.

Why I eat ......Part 9

Because I lost him.

I look up and the sky is the perfect color to match his eyes today. The eyes I once gazed in. The best friend who once drew me near and was always there. I had to fight back tears. Oh, how I miss you. When I lost you a huge part of me went to. That summer when it was us, it was the best summer. I was 14 and eager to learn and you would teach me. We were so different then you and I. You were the rocker and me the pop princess. If you could see how I have changed you would love it. I went from pink to red. From pop to rock. From naive to living with my eyes wide open.


Eddie, my heart still breaks over the lose of you. I still wear the ring you gave me. Pshh you are the only boy whose ring I still wear. I am so sorry. I miss our easy friendship, sitting on the stoop of your crappy apartment on those lazy Summer days while Willie and Juan tossed the football back and forth. How we would just sit and talk about the most pointless things, hour long discussions of batman and flash. Things that made the world an easier place to live in.

You are the reason I love Moo-sick. Its cause he reminds me of you. Our friendship is ALMOST a mirror of mine with you. That's why I speak to Jay, his kindness and love of music reminds me of you. That why I don't want to hurt him, because it will remind me of how I hurt you. Your face will flash after I spoke the words I can never take back. I wonder if I made you bitter.

Oh dear, how I messed up when it came to you. I wish I could take it back. If I changed you for the better the I won't take it back. I just wish to know that you are well. Just to know that I haven't destroyed who you were. Only then can I forgive myself.

I miss you .

Why I eat ......Part 8

It makes me feel stupid.


The subject I hates the most math and spanish, Why? because they make me feel stupid. Everything is all jumbled and it pisses me off.

Being in this dispostion has a perk, my memory is so sharp. But I don't see words they way you do. I don't see numbers You do. That really sucks. It makes me feel stupid as hell. You wouldn't understand unless you saw the world as I did.

Thats why I used to work so hard.

No one wants to feel stupid.

I hate it.

Why I eat ......Part 7

Because he want me.

He is sweet, funny and kind of cute and I feel nothing for him. NOT A DAMN THING!!!! Oh as a friend I adore the boy. He is always so nice and makes me laugh and feel happy. Then he takes it all away. The happiness flee when he talks of us being together and I feel sad. Why? Because I know I am incapable of ever feeling that way towards him. I can never see him as more then just what he is to me now. A good friend.

I would tell him everyday we are just friends and everyday he says for now. =/

He declares his like for me to me everyday and he has even told my best friends.I don't want to hurt him but I feel like I am. Or like I will because I will eventually date again, I feel like that will crush him. That will tear his heart more then it already has been torn. This saddens me.

Why must he feel this way towards me? So strongly and deeply already.I just want us to be friends. To have an easy going no pressures friendship. Instead I must tip toe around his feelings, dance around the words that might slip. I must censor myself.

He has me pushed in corner and forced to subdue a part of me to keep the

hurt from him.

I don't want to hurt him.

Why I eat ......Part 6

She no longer needs me.

The secrets and pain she had once spilled from her mouth into my ears once upon a time. She used to run to me with all that troubled her, okay most of what had troubled her and now like a faucet that has been abruptly turned off it has stopped. I feel no longer needed and since I am pretty much like a guy, it hurts. I don't believe that she knows that she is hurting me. I suppose she wouldn't I have said a word about it.

She has him now. I am just lingering in the shadows to fill in the times that he cannot. I am no longer the one who gets run to with problems. In fact, it basically everyone who has stopped. =/ trust me dearies it sucks. I adore being needed, thrive on helping other, and now like a fish out of water I am suffering in the emptiness of it all. It causes me to feel lonely.

I get no more help me phone calls, no more heartfelt texts. I am no longer the shoulder to cry on. I feel like a nothing. A time-filler worthy of the role of a pathetic background character in her life, though she declares otherwise. My emotions are muddled and confused about the lack of apparent need of me in the lives of those who love me.

Melodramatic? Maybe, If that is how you want to see it but for me no. I loved to be needed. Need to be needed, is far more important then being wanted. I want my advice and ear to be able to end others misery. I want to help in the way I know how. But......

She doesn't need me because she has him now.

Why I eat ......Part 5

He has damaged me.

The boy who caused the nightmares in the hell of 2009, has damaged me in ways that can not be repaired. I am no longer angry with him nor do I harbor any emotion at all towards him, though at brief moments I miss him :/. He has created this distrust in me that has yet to wash away. This lack of faith in love and people that still stains my skin. His words sometimes echo in my head, I still have some old text he sent. I have yet to muster up the heart to delete them.

You were not all bad dear boy. No, we had moments of joy that surpasses most. In the month that marks a year of the horrors you committed my thoughts flee to you. Without my control I seem to smile at some of the things you once said. The jokes you told me will fill my head and I will space out and giggle as if I heard them for the first time. Oh destroyer of joy, the debt you own to me has not been paid.

Dear boy, oh dear boy, as you can see your sins did not go unpunished. You didn't get off scotch free. I wonder, do you regret the things you did to me. The words you said, the lies you told. Because of you dear boy I could barely trust for a while secrets stayed locked up in my chest and caged in my mind. The effects seems to be wearing off dear boy. But alas the memories lingers, still tainting songs, books, words even the air I breathe.

Dear boy, I know it bothers you none but my heart

has forgiven you. For the most part, I no longer want to dig my fingers into your skin to tear and rip away at you. I no longer want to make you hurt the way I did. Dear Boy, I write this so you can know all has be forgiven, but has yet to be forgotten. Oh dear boy the fool you have been, I need not to do anything because you are made yourself suffer.

Soon his damage will fade.

Why I eat....Part 4

I still dream of you.

I opened my eyes this morning and struggled to shake off the images of your face. I could still feel the tingle of your lips pressed against my ears as you whispers 'I want you.' Now I am pissed ,how dare you invade my dream! The one place I can truly escape all thoughts of you. How dare you intrude on my world! Why Is my thoughts still filled with you? Defeated I drag myself out of bed and you still linger. You presence is like a perfume that had just been sprayed in the room and fills it with sweet scents, My heart swells, I miss you. I been avoiding so I wouldn't have to feel this. I am pissed, fuming and hurting.

Why can't I be the one you love? The simple question sends daggers to my heart. Ugh. You are truly my moo-sick, forever flowing through me yet never truly mines. I drift away from thoughts of you to spare myself. Why did we have to taint our friendship with silly unspoken feelings? Neither of us speak of them yet they linger in the air. I know you feel it that's why we been avoiding talking and avoid alone time. That is why you bring it up. Bring her up every time you see me. Trust my dear I won't forget that she exists or that she has what I can only dream of obtaining.

Let me make one point clear, oh dear one, I do love you, more then words can ever express. More then I have ever loved him. But I can forget you, all I need is a new set of arms to hold me and to make me truly fall and I will be fine. At least I hope can forget you. I will be able to shake of these dreams that seem like nightmares when I wake, because when I wake you are never there. I know you know how I feel, that is what makes it hurt more. At least acknowledge it, say you just want to be friends, say you feel the same, say something anything.

I hate not knowing where I stand. Not having the necessary knowledge to help me move on is killing me. So please say that words that may free me. I don't know how you created this cage from your perfected flaws that has trapped me but you hold the keys that can set me free.

Save me from loving you till I fade.

Why I eat.....Part 3

I am A ROLE MODEL

I am looked up to be those who are younger then me. Which sucks due to my lack in the general things in life. I just see all my screw up in a line waiting for the Little ones to pick at them, repeat them and then me get the blame. The pressure of the possible fail. Like a cave that's weak from over the years waiting to cave in. As everyone trapped in my possible fail , screaming and ultimately feeling disappointed.

What is worst the disappointing people you care about? Then letting down the very people who helped build you up and believed in you. Just the thought makes my stomach to twists. What is worse then influencing the children in irreparable ways? I don't want to be the reason people lose faith. I don't want to do to them what he did to me :/. I refuse.

Please take me down from the place up high that you have put me. Don't let me fall from here because if I do I am sure it will hurt me and the others. I don't want to hurt. I don't want you to hurt. It is only human-ness that has me faltering. It has me losing passions thus failing you, without you knowing, yet I can still feel your eyes bore holes in my back as the fill with sad tears.

Forgive my humanity. Forgive my problems. Forgive my inner turmoil. Forgive My imperfections. Take me off the high pedestal and place me with you. So I may roam to make my mistakes. To cry my tears. To throw my fits. To scrape my knees. To fall in and out of love‼ To break ♥s and have my ♥ broken.

I am a slave to what you see me as.

Why I eat.......Part Two

I have just got you back into my life in time to watch you fade.

I sit and stare at the man who help make the man who made me. I see how he has writhed from being sick. My heart breaks because there is nothing I can do. I can't discover a cure. I can't fix what has been done. I can't heal. I am not a miracle worker, I am no Jesus, I am a mere mortal watching him die. That's all I can do..watch, pray and hope that the pain is less then it was yesterday.


I stare at the watch he gave me..."To remember me when I am gone" He couldn't even voice the words he was so weak, he merely nodded as my grandmother said that why he gave it to me. Even the nod seem to be a struggle for him. I look at him and I want to scream, "PLEASE DON'T GO!!!" I want to cling to him and beg him to stay. Instead I say "Thank you, I love you." And hug the man who writhes in my arms.


I hate myself for it. For waiting so long to reconnect with you. I know I didn't know you would get sick but still I hate it. I have just got you back to lose you forever. And when you are gone she will follow. I don't not expect her to out live the man she spent her life with. Just at the thought, the simple knowledge that you both will be gone makes me sick. My stomach aches like I want to puke up my guts.

I cry at night knowing that perish time is being spent away from you. Eight to Twelve months that all I have you for. The small amount of time to absorb you. To drink in your beauty, to see your smile, to touch your wrinkled face, to say that I love you. That little time to get to know you, to hold you and to allow you to be proud of who I became. That little time to have what is left of you before you are gone.

So I cry because I know I will lose you soon.