Thoughts that Run wild.

I sit in my room leg crossed in the middle of this chaotic mess and cry. The thought of ever seeing you holding another’s ripped into my brain and tears into my heart. Pretty little pictures of forever tainted by the knowledge of our differences. I sit, and my heart heaves and cries out with the heavy burden of loving you. But none of it matters because I don’t plan on losing you. Not because I love you so much that thought makes me want to breathe in my tears and drown my lungs in sorrow but because I have made you the sun in my universe and nothing on my earth can live without the sun. I feel attacked, my thoughts swarming me and showing me a future without you. I crumple into a heap on the floor. STOP!!! I can’t stop the thoughts, can’t stop her from telling me I will never be enough for you. That my pale skin and brown eyes are just to plain for your beauty. That my words fall short of the perfection that you require. That I am just another girl in your world who will fade with time. But I can’t see you fading for my life, like a scar if you go I will wear the reminder forever. This tears won’t be the only thing to proclaim my lose. I love you. But will those three little words be enough to keep you, the center of it all, by my side. Have I been foolish, to allow you to be what no other has. Have I been stupid, to have let myself open up to you drastically. To them they see month of time with you be I see an eternity, shrunk to fit the days of man. My guard has been lowered and whatever walls there were seem to be gone and I am standing exposed in a room full of strangers but when I spot you I am fine. You, I can’t lose you. My thoughts trail back to the painful dark alley my mind seems to want to take. I see your life without me, the beauty of your wife and you house that is a shrine to your marriage. I can’t see my life without you, and I have tried but it’s like walking in a dark alley at midnight, only darkness stretches ahead of me. You, I have invested too much in you and I fear a crash in the market. I will lose it all if I lose you. I wish I was being dramatic but it’s something I feel within the depths of my soul. You were made for me, woven form the same fabric of words that God made me in. Destiny, just a word until I met you and your presence had an effect on me. Drawn to the boy with the notebook in hand, carelessly wandering into this world I was not ready for. This love is so strong I wonder how we carry it but it more then just temporary high like with the others, I can feel the tree of my life plant its roots inside your love for me. The tree is growing and so is my fear because the more I give to you the more I know my life without you is impossible. No amount of shoulders to cry on would keep me from needing you. Not in a creepy clingy way just in a way I can’t describe. Losing you would be like finding out how to walk but losing the ability to move. The idea of it all keeps me laying on my floor the dark room keeping my tears from being seen. I muffle my cries by biting into my skin and even though I bleed it doesn’t compare to this horrible scene. Your holding her hand and you say you love her too and as you say those words I can hear my heart respond to you, please don’t go it cries out into the distance but you can’t hear it because you let me go. And I am left on this floor with nothing else but my love for you and puddle full of tears. Because I love you but I need to last for more then a few years.