Angel Of Mercy

What happens when it all changes? What happens when its good?

Why is it it that i am up again? My eyes bore open by bittersweet reality.......life sucks

Waiting.........

I wait and I wait. Will it ever come?



I am not sure if it will



What happen to my positive out look in life?



BOOM!!!!!



I have been like a ticking time bomb lately, each remake stored and speeding up the process.



I don't know where to turn to or who I can trust.....

so instead i sit here....waiting

Ouestions.

If I asked you to move the world for me would you?

Is what I ask of you really as difficult as moving planets?

Because if it is then I am sorry then you can't reach my standards which are not as high as they all think.

Should I lower standards?

I think not.

can you save me from the destruction you are causing?

I live to see what love is? Is this it? haha

I guess the summer gave my a prince but fall turned him into a fly.

Should i give the world what it needs?

What about what I need?

Let us see if time gives the power to move on.

Living my sad excuse of a fairytale. I have no frog or no prince.

[It Seems So Much Is Left Unsaid]~*Well I Don't Expect The World To Move Underneath me But For Gods Sake, Could You Try?*~Its Nice to know The person you CARE about doesn't give a FUCK

No I did not think so.

I am rotting.

From the inside out I seem to be rotting. I have infected myself with this illness caused by a mindset of the most chaotic nature. A mindset bestowed upon me by a boy. it seems best to mention no names not the boy no the less was close to me. It seems as f my only friends reside in my head. Do i sound insane yet?





Deranged deranged deranged is that what you think of me?





"Erase myself." Oh how I wish I could.



rape





rape




Who am I now?

Today of all Days.

you want to be a cunt! fine i don't give a fuck. give me time love and i will let go. you will be left to pick up the pieces of yourself that you left behind. give me time and all will be revealed!!!!!

Begin.Again.Drowning.A New.

Everything is fragile. broken by simple words or harsh action or inaction. held together by thin threads of old dreams and fragile mind sets.

I let the disillusion hang in the air like unsaid words or sexual tension never once bringing up the words i dare not whisper even in the confines of my own mind.

Reality blankets me in my own cocoon it tightens causing my air ways to close and then it releases me from its grip and throws me head first into the water.

The faces of all those who have caused me harm float in the water like birds around a cartoon's head when it hits against the unforgiving pavement.

"I will swallow and it will help my sea level go down. I'll take a deep deep breathe but I 'll come back you haunt you if I drown."

"Can I trust you?" Funny question I ask myself everyday.

I am a ghost . Does my pain go unnoticed? Or is it that no one cares?

Can you feel them break? the thin lines anchoring me to sanity? Can you see my eyes glisten from un-shead tears?



Believe this the one who watches me closely notices nothing. The ones who hears my stories no nothing. For what I have begun to keep to myself is eating me alive.

Karma is a bitch

Right now I wish I was talking to zombie queen so we could laugh at karma. She cheated on you and now you want to relize that you love the zombie queen....ummm mega duh. lol and now you feel mega stuipd lol wow lol this is rich......i wonder if zombie queen will get back with you .....?????

lol karma

I don't know anymore

I am not quite sure why I am writing just feel the random need I guess.

Being unsure at the moment is what drives me to write. In fact I don't what the hell I am going to write about. But of course that not all I don't know about at the moment either. If I could I would write down the thoughts in my head, but the are unclear and jumbled that I am not sure where I would even begin.

IN the picture above is s.a.j...which is now a star in the sky because by all means that is about all that is left of the trio. In its place is a solo and a duo act. The solo act would be me. The only member that matted most to me has long parted ways with me and as for the other well it didn't really effect me. I only miss the one member don't get me wrong the other member I were also close too but I was not at all suprised by said member's departure.

"Every second I'm without you I'm a mess."

I am just getting thoughts out of my head. Feeling off of my chest. I made promises that I broke. You made promises that you broke. I never even knew I habored such feelings, I must be better at burying things then I remember.

"She had an earthquake on her mind."

I am doing pretty good with this expressing myself stuff but then again I wouldn't know. I just good at writing things and dressing them up but not this...this is raw feeling and raNDOM. I am not even going to edit this (but I will add color, so the lyrics go with the song colors.) I just writing and listening to music.I can't help and think of you when a song they we know pops on. Does it still hurt as much?? Sometimes but hey that life.

"I am nothing without I can't breathe."





Time still passes, the world still turns, I still move, live, laugh, smile. But its not the same everything seems to feel emptier.


"How did we get here? I used to I know you so well. "

I wondered how this got so far, how did we let this happened? Are we really irrepairable? Are we broken beyond all hope? All repair? Will we always remain newly shattred as life throws more our way? My questions will truly never be answered. Or will time reavel all?

"My faith in you is fading."

Haha I don't even know what to do. Have I said that before? I am just sitting let my thoughts flow and singing. Music is the thepory that you taught me. Among the other things that I have learned for you.

"I think I am drowning."

I believe I am now at a loss for words. ONly these few sond quetos can cover what i can'T.

"There is a story at the the end of this bottle and I am the pen."


"When the sunshine we'll shine together."

"I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me aloneThese wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too realThere's just too much that time cannot eraseWhen you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tearsWhen you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fearsAnd I held your hand through all of these yearsBut you still have all of me

"Wake me up inside!!"

"I am strong on the surface not all the way through. I've never been perfect but neither have you."

"Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well pretending someone else can come and save me from myself I can't be who you are........ I can't be who you are."

Songs:
The Used-earthquake, I caught fire (In your eyes)
Escape the Fate-Ashley
Paramore-Decode
Muse-Time is running out
All time low- Dear Marie, umbrella (cover)
Taylor swift-love story
Linkin Park- Leave out all the rest
Evanescence- Bring me to life, My Immortal

Butterfly Wings

(A butterflies wings are fragile. Yet its beauty can not be easily matched.)

Memories haunt me like a lovers kiss at midnight. You and I were so close they had to redefine the word tight. It is hard to say that I live without regret now that you are not by my side. All that is keeping us apart is senseless pride. I try to stay happy and postive but memories pull me into a whirlwind. My thoughts contanstly fleeting back to you because no matter what happened we were two peas of a pod. Are two peas of a pod?

Still no one understands me how you do. I don't even bother to search because desipte it all I still

love you. I have no shame to say that I miss you but to tell you that I can never do. You made it clear you want nothing to do with me.

{I still laugh and smile and have a good time. I must admit its not the same. I don't laugh so hard that tears come to my eyes like before. I don't smile because of the inside joke we share. My friend told me that we looked as if we were so close that you would laugh at my thought because you knew what it was. I believe that too.}

I don't know how you feel about it. I do care but I don't know how to......

How could I just watch you walk away? How I can I tell you to stay?

TORN

{ Intro: Ditto (My evil ultra ego) has slowly begun to consume me. I am losing who I once was to this other side of me. She feels sucessful like she has fufilled what she wanted to. She hates you. I told you. She came between us. She won, so I just give in. }





Weeks, Days, hours, mintues they just all blend into on big blur. I remain unsure of how to react that has occured. I am still in the first stages of shock. It hits me slowly each day that we have parted. Sometimes I get blinded by emotion.



(I don't Know how to finsh it)

Turning Gears

{Thoughts are turning in my head and for once they don’t involve you. I feel light again though the months prior seem to slip though the cracks of my memory I don’t mind. In fact I down right don’t care. Let them go. Especially the parts I don’t like. Opening the door to the new me. The me that’s ready to heal and move on. Release all evil and embark on a new road. }

Do you hear it? The sweet sound of me letting you go. The wind blowing you as far as it can carry you away ^^. The sweet thunder as the sky banishes you from my world. The gears causing rust to fall from the sky as they move again. I dance in the puddles of tears I cried, the salt water causing the color in my jeans to fade. My wounds closing and the blood stopped dripping. The water changing back to its original color. My paradise restoring to its original beauty. The color are renewed, I seem to be who I once was. Pre-damaged me and I know this is the closest I will ever get to being whole again. So I embrace the rays of sun that seem to be parting the clouds. I will overcome all storms!

Scapegoat

People tend to place the blame on me. When I only do what I am asked to do. Oh I am sorry for wanting something for myself. How selfish of me. I forget I have only to think to you. Silly little me thinking I should put myself first for once. And you want to blame this all on me. Fuck that! This is your fault dumbass. You slipped up. Sure use me as the excuse because you fall for someone else. Well fuck you to mister I am perfect yet only human at the same time. Fuck you and you self righteous ass as you looked down on everyone who isn’t as wound as tight as you are. You and your ten foot pole that lodge in your ass. Smoking is wrong. Drinking is cruel come on everybody stay in school. Fuck you and your damn nursery rhyme bullshit. You loved us huh? Then how is it that we were so easy to let go of. Oh wait you still talk to Lilith. So you love her fine. But you still lied to me you piece of worthless shit. And you creep in every time I heal ripping the wound open from the inside. But now that I know the reason I can say I despise you and your foolish excuse. You and the bullshit that I know that you’re full of. You and you picture perfect happiness while I suffer because of you. Fuck it!!! I HATE YOU!!!!! Do me a favor and die. Die painfully. Oh look I am full of shit to because I can’t even mean that when I write it. Because as the day closes I still miss what we had. I miss our friendship they way I had someone to always turn to. But I always play the fool, the tool to somebody I always have always will. Everyone uses me as if they were doing me a favor. I have gone thorough pain for you all. And I do one FUCKING THING FOR ME AND I AM THE BAD GUY. ALL OF A FUCKING SUDDEN NO ONE CAN FORGIVE ANYMORE BECAUSE THAT’S MY FUCKING JOB RIGHT! WELL FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU!!! AND FUCK YOU ONCE FUCKING MORE! Screw everything you have ever said. Screw the lies, the sweet talk, the nicknames, the laughs, your face, your voice, you and everything. SCREW 1/13/07 – 5/10/08 EVERY FUCKING DAY IN FUCKING BETWEEN, EVERY SECOND THAT YOU WERE MY “BEST FRIEND”. EVERY MILISECOND WASTED ON YOU AND YOU’RE LIESSSSS!!!!! D: SCREW YOUR WEAK SHIT AND THE FACT THAT YOU’RE A MAN. SCREW YOU FOR MAKING ME CRY, SCEARM AND DIE ON THE INSIDE. PROM LOL WHAT A REASON WHAT A FUCKING REASON. FUCK STRIGHT EDGE I AM GOING TO LIVE ON THE EDGE TEETHER OFF EVERY NOW AND THEN JUST TO BE ANYTHING BUT YOU. STUIPD LITTLE GIRLS MAKE BOYS THEIR AGES THE ROLE MODELS. STUIPD FUCKING ME!!! I WILL HAVE A NICE A LIFE THANK YOU FOR WISHING ME ONE. I AM DONE CRYING!!! I AM DONE CARING!! FUCK EVERYONE IN THE END I ONLY HAVE ME!

Withering Gardens

Withering Gardens
Welcome to my garden. All is beginning to wither. I touch it and it withers in my hand. It browns as if I suck the life out of it. The flower petals dropping to the floor like sweat beads after you run from your nightmares. Secrets stop the sun from shining in and lies wrap around me like vines do an old house. They squeeze so tight that breathing is impossible yet death feels like something you can’t obtain despite that lack of oxygen flowing to your brain. Snakes slither around your feet like the sneaks they are. Their hisses sounding more like the mocking laughter of the cruel children who picked on you as a child. Darkness so thick that you can’t see the cruel faces that is right in front of you. Monsters lurk in every corner trying to tear you down and strip you of whatever happiness you have left. They whisper of your demise and make you believe there words. They make you think it is truly the end of the world instead of a new start.They fill your mind with evil thoughts and twisted tales.They suck all the goodness from your life. So beware all who enter my garden.

Let’s count

Let’s count the tears I have cried over the last six months. Let us count the nights I woke up screaming in false hope that it would some how reach your ears despite our distant. It is always you. You are always in my heart not matter how many times I try to banish you. Like a snake you slither back in. Each time you leave you take another piece of me. Leaving me an empty hopeless shell of who I used to be.

Pain so deep that it even hurts to laugh, a smile is forced and painful. It feels like I am waiting at death’s doorstep and instead of death killing me you are. I stare at your empty cold eyes shocked that it’s really you.

What happened to your gentleness? What happened to the sweet lies you told? What happened to my ignorant bliss? What happened to my trust?

Let me tell you what happened my eyes weren’t opened no the lids were cut off by the shaky hands of a boy I called best friend. This boy should win an Oscar his lies tricked the best of us. His words lured you into a sense of security.

Beware the beauty of his words. Beware the way he builds you up. The way he tears you down and laughs as you fall. The fall will hurt and the air around you will seem to be on his side forcing against your lungs making it hard to breathe. The tears will fall with out you being aware of them.

So your stuck staring into the eyes of your demise and wishing for nothing more then for it to all be over.