Why I eat.....Part10

Because I am so angry.



I feel the so pissed sometimes. Like I want to reach into the skulls of the violent and give them a taste of their own medicine. Sometimes all I see is red around the edges. Breath, Breath, I have to tell myself, its just ____, it might not even be about you. *teehee* Sometimes I feel a little on the out there side. O.o Yeah I said only a little. Sheesh, the angry just spills out sometimes you know? Spewing in every direction at everyone on my path. I am so breaking format in this blog, *sigh* oh well. It just I don't know, when I get pissed I feel dangerous. I run to distance myself from those I love just cause I fear hurting them. Don't underestimate me because I could hurt them. But I don't want to. I don't want to hurt anyone because I would have to live with myself afterwards. I couldn't do that, I have a good heart buried underneth the scars and wall I am trying to climb. I was foolish and young, I built walls and now I am trapped in. ANGRY, so angry that it has a taste, a smell, a feel, I can even see and hear it.

Angry


Free me.

Why I eat ......Part 9

Because I lost him.

I look up and the sky is the perfect color to match his eyes today. The eyes I once gazed in. The best friend who once drew me near and was always there. I had to fight back tears. Oh, how I miss you. When I lost you a huge part of me went to. That summer when it was us, it was the best summer. I was 14 and eager to learn and you would teach me. We were so different then you and I. You were the rocker and me the pop princess. If you could see how I have changed you would love it. I went from pink to red. From pop to rock. From naive to living with my eyes wide open.


Eddie, my heart still breaks over the lose of you. I still wear the ring you gave me. Pshh you are the only boy whose ring I still wear. I am so sorry. I miss our easy friendship, sitting on the stoop of your crappy apartment on those lazy Summer days while Willie and Juan tossed the football back and forth. How we would just sit and talk about the most pointless things, hour long discussions of batman and flash. Things that made the world an easier place to live in.

You are the reason I love Moo-sick. Its cause he reminds me of you. Our friendship is ALMOST a mirror of mine with you. That's why I speak to Jay, his kindness and love of music reminds me of you. That why I don't want to hurt him, because it will remind me of how I hurt you. Your face will flash after I spoke the words I can never take back. I wonder if I made you bitter.

Oh dear, how I messed up when it came to you. I wish I could take it back. If I changed you for the better the I won't take it back. I just wish to know that you are well. Just to know that I haven't destroyed who you were. Only then can I forgive myself.

I miss you .

Why I eat ......Part 8

It makes me feel stupid.


The subject I hates the most math and spanish, Why? because they make me feel stupid. Everything is all jumbled and it pisses me off.

Being in this dispostion has a perk, my memory is so sharp. But I don't see words they way you do. I don't see numbers You do. That really sucks. It makes me feel stupid as hell. You wouldn't understand unless you saw the world as I did.

Thats why I used to work so hard.

No one wants to feel stupid.

I hate it.

Why I eat ......Part 7

Because he want me.

He is sweet, funny and kind of cute and I feel nothing for him. NOT A DAMN THING!!!! Oh as a friend I adore the boy. He is always so nice and makes me laugh and feel happy. Then he takes it all away. The happiness flee when he talks of us being together and I feel sad. Why? Because I know I am incapable of ever feeling that way towards him. I can never see him as more then just what he is to me now. A good friend.

I would tell him everyday we are just friends and everyday he says for now. =/

He declares his like for me to me everyday and he has even told my best friends.I don't want to hurt him but I feel like I am. Or like I will because I will eventually date again, I feel like that will crush him. That will tear his heart more then it already has been torn. This saddens me.

Why must he feel this way towards me? So strongly and deeply already.I just want us to be friends. To have an easy going no pressures friendship. Instead I must tip toe around his feelings, dance around the words that might slip. I must censor myself.

He has me pushed in corner and forced to subdue a part of me to keep the

hurt from him.

I don't want to hurt him.

Why I eat ......Part 6

She no longer needs me.

The secrets and pain she had once spilled from her mouth into my ears once upon a time. She used to run to me with all that troubled her, okay most of what had troubled her and now like a faucet that has been abruptly turned off it has stopped. I feel no longer needed and since I am pretty much like a guy, it hurts. I don't believe that she knows that she is hurting me. I suppose she wouldn't I have said a word about it.

She has him now. I am just lingering in the shadows to fill in the times that he cannot. I am no longer the one who gets run to with problems. In fact, it basically everyone who has stopped. =/ trust me dearies it sucks. I adore being needed, thrive on helping other, and now like a fish out of water I am suffering in the emptiness of it all. It causes me to feel lonely.

I get no more help me phone calls, no more heartfelt texts. I am no longer the shoulder to cry on. I feel like a nothing. A time-filler worthy of the role of a pathetic background character in her life, though she declares otherwise. My emotions are muddled and confused about the lack of apparent need of me in the lives of those who love me.

Melodramatic? Maybe, If that is how you want to see it but for me no. I loved to be needed. Need to be needed, is far more important then being wanted. I want my advice and ear to be able to end others misery. I want to help in the way I know how. But......

She doesn't need me because she has him now.

Why I eat ......Part 5

He has damaged me.

The boy who caused the nightmares in the hell of 2009, has damaged me in ways that can not be repaired. I am no longer angry with him nor do I harbor any emotion at all towards him, though at brief moments I miss him :/. He has created this distrust in me that has yet to wash away. This lack of faith in love and people that still stains my skin. His words sometimes echo in my head, I still have some old text he sent. I have yet to muster up the heart to delete them.

You were not all bad dear boy. No, we had moments of joy that surpasses most. In the month that marks a year of the horrors you committed my thoughts flee to you. Without my control I seem to smile at some of the things you once said. The jokes you told me will fill my head and I will space out and giggle as if I heard them for the first time. Oh destroyer of joy, the debt you own to me has not been paid.

Dear boy, oh dear boy, as you can see your sins did not go unpunished. You didn't get off scotch free. I wonder, do you regret the things you did to me. The words you said, the lies you told. Because of you dear boy I could barely trust for a while secrets stayed locked up in my chest and caged in my mind. The effects seems to be wearing off dear boy. But alas the memories lingers, still tainting songs, books, words even the air I breathe.

Dear boy, I know it bothers you none but my heart

has forgiven you. For the most part, I no longer want to dig my fingers into your skin to tear and rip away at you. I no longer want to make you hurt the way I did. Dear Boy, I write this so you can know all has be forgiven, but has yet to be forgotten. Oh dear boy the fool you have been, I need not to do anything because you are made yourself suffer.

Soon his damage will fade.

Why I eat....Part 4

I still dream of you.

I opened my eyes this morning and struggled to shake off the images of your face. I could still feel the tingle of your lips pressed against my ears as you whispers 'I want you.' Now I am pissed ,how dare you invade my dream! The one place I can truly escape all thoughts of you. How dare you intrude on my world! Why Is my thoughts still filled with you? Defeated I drag myself out of bed and you still linger. You presence is like a perfume that had just been sprayed in the room and fills it with sweet scents, My heart swells, I miss you. I been avoiding so I wouldn't have to feel this. I am pissed, fuming and hurting.

Why can't I be the one you love? The simple question sends daggers to my heart. Ugh. You are truly my moo-sick, forever flowing through me yet never truly mines. I drift away from thoughts of you to spare myself. Why did we have to taint our friendship with silly unspoken feelings? Neither of us speak of them yet they linger in the air. I know you feel it that's why we been avoiding talking and avoid alone time. That is why you bring it up. Bring her up every time you see me. Trust my dear I won't forget that she exists or that she has what I can only dream of obtaining.

Let me make one point clear, oh dear one, I do love you, more then words can ever express. More then I have ever loved him. But I can forget you, all I need is a new set of arms to hold me and to make me truly fall and I will be fine. At least I hope can forget you. I will be able to shake of these dreams that seem like nightmares when I wake, because when I wake you are never there. I know you know how I feel, that is what makes it hurt more. At least acknowledge it, say you just want to be friends, say you feel the same, say something anything.

I hate not knowing where I stand. Not having the necessary knowledge to help me move on is killing me. So please say that words that may free me. I don't know how you created this cage from your perfected flaws that has trapped me but you hold the keys that can set me free.

Save me from loving you till I fade.

Why I eat.....Part 3

I am A ROLE MODEL

I am looked up to be those who are younger then me. Which sucks due to my lack in the general things in life. I just see all my screw up in a line waiting for the Little ones to pick at them, repeat them and then me get the blame. The pressure of the possible fail. Like a cave that's weak from over the years waiting to cave in. As everyone trapped in my possible fail , screaming and ultimately feeling disappointed.

What is worst the disappointing people you care about? Then letting down the very people who helped build you up and believed in you. Just the thought makes my stomach to twists. What is worse then influencing the children in irreparable ways? I don't want to be the reason people lose faith. I don't want to do to them what he did to me :/. I refuse.

Please take me down from the place up high that you have put me. Don't let me fall from here because if I do I am sure it will hurt me and the others. I don't want to hurt. I don't want you to hurt. It is only human-ness that has me faltering. It has me losing passions thus failing you, without you knowing, yet I can still feel your eyes bore holes in my back as the fill with sad tears.

Forgive my humanity. Forgive my problems. Forgive my inner turmoil. Forgive My imperfections. Take me off the high pedestal and place me with you. So I may roam to make my mistakes. To cry my tears. To throw my fits. To scrape my knees. To fall in and out of love‼ To break ♥s and have my ♥ broken.

I am a slave to what you see me as.

Why I eat.......Part Two

I have just got you back into my life in time to watch you fade.

I sit and stare at the man who help make the man who made me. I see how he has writhed from being sick. My heart breaks because there is nothing I can do. I can't discover a cure. I can't fix what has been done. I can't heal. I am not a miracle worker, I am no Jesus, I am a mere mortal watching him die. That's all I can do..watch, pray and hope that the pain is less then it was yesterday.


I stare at the watch he gave me..."To remember me when I am gone" He couldn't even voice the words he was so weak, he merely nodded as my grandmother said that why he gave it to me. Even the nod seem to be a struggle for him. I look at him and I want to scream, "PLEASE DON'T GO!!!" I want to cling to him and beg him to stay. Instead I say "Thank you, I love you." And hug the man who writhes in my arms.


I hate myself for it. For waiting so long to reconnect with you. I know I didn't know you would get sick but still I hate it. I have just got you back to lose you forever. And when you are gone she will follow. I don't not expect her to out live the man she spent her life with. Just at the thought, the simple knowledge that you both will be gone makes me sick. My stomach aches like I want to puke up my guts.

I cry at night knowing that perish time is being spent away from you. Eight to Twelve months that all I have you for. The small amount of time to absorb you. To drink in your beauty, to see your smile, to touch your wrinkled face, to say that I love you. That little time to get to know you, to hold you and to allow you to be proud of who I became. That little time to have what is left of you before you are gone.

So I cry because I know I will lose you soon.

Why I eat......

Let me tell the story of why each day I eat till I am sick.

I eat to stop my heart from aching. Why? Because you have her. Why? Because soon he will be gone. Why? Because she doesn't see anymore. Why? Because she has new shoulders to lean on and I am no longer needed. Why? Because even though I know it is bad and it helps nothing, it makes me numb. It stops the hurt. When I run out of things to write and books to read I am stuck in reality. Don't get me wrong, I am not miserable. I am not unhappy, no life is in balance now. But at times this balance had me sink low, its worth the highs though.


I dream of hands that will wrap around me and love me, so I may be free of your vice grip on my heart. I dream of eyes to see how I am changing slowly and sometimes I feel that I am tilting in a bad direction. I dream of ears that hear my soft whispers for help. I dream of the helper who pulls me through the low moments and are there with me at every high (like my best friend is). Not that my soul twin isn't enough, do not be fooled I love that girl like no other friend before her and no one after shall compare, but I can't give her the love my heart yearns to give a man.


Why do I seem to need this so bad? Well you try seeing your best friend glow from the happiness her boyfriend gives her. You try watching your mom's eyes light up every time her boyfriend walks in the room and not want it too. What is so wrong with wanting to be held and loved? Try hearing your male best friend practically sing with joy every time he mentions his girlfriend's name. Oh the ones your heart yearn for praise their girlfriends with such heartfelt words that your heart tears. Is it wrong to yearn that praise? Try not to want it listening to your family a buzz about the ones they love.

Why is it wrong for me to want a piece of that joy? A fragment of that heaven they all seem to be in. To be a part of the secret club they have seemed to join. TELL ME WHY THAT IS WRONG?!?

Tell we why I am not allowed? I just want to know then I will stop asking. I simply want you to give me a good reason. One backed up with good logic and an explanation that will free me.

Then I will stop eating to fill the loneliness that it leaves.

*sighs*

Lets get this blood rushing and the body ready for what is to come. I shall strengthen who I am to expect who you have became. The words that come from your mouth don't process. They didn't know you like a knew you now you are a completely stranger at and times my heart doesn't even recognize you. Then glimpses of you shine through and I cling to them, a part of me lives for them most of me has given up.


Let your lies spill from your mouth in so deep in lies that you slip and fall. Don't call my name to help you because I just might be foolish enough to turn around. And when I turn around I will be lost again, drowning with you in your own sea of lies. I don't want to drown or love you.

I don't want to feel the pain you release in me. I don't want my mind to race with words you have spoken. I don't want your voice in my head or your image behind my eyelids. I want to banish you from my life, heart, mind and soul. I want it to be as if you didn't exist. But I can't lie to my heart. It feels you out there and when you hold her it aches in my chest.

I hate what I feel But I can't shake it. =C