Let me tell the story of why each day I eat till I am sick.
I eat to stop my heart from aching. Why? Because you have her. Why? Because soon he will be gone. Why? Because she doesn't see anymore. Why? Because she has new shoulders to lean on and I am no longer needed. Why? Because even though I know it is bad and it helps nothing, it makes me numb. It stops the hurt. When I run out of things to write and books to read I am stuck in reality. Don't get me wrong, I am not miserable. I am not unhappy, no life is in balance now. But at times this balance had me sink low, its worth the highs though.
I dream of hands that will wrap around me and love me, so I may be free of your vice grip on my heart. I dream of eyes to see how I am changing slowly and sometimes I feel that I am tilting in a bad direction. I dream of ears that hear my soft whispers for help. I dream of the helper who pulls me through the low moments and are there with me at every high (like my best friend is). Not that my soul twin isn't enough, do not be fooled I love that girl like no other friend before her and no one after shall compare, but I can't give her the love my heart yearns to give a man.
Why do I seem to need this so bad? Well you try seeing your best friend glow from the happiness her boyfriend gives her. You try watching your mom's eyes light up every time her boyfriend walks in the room and not want it too. What is so wrong with wanting to be held and loved? Try hearing your male best friend practically sing with joy every time he mentions his girlfriend's name. Oh the ones your heart yearn for praise their girlfriends with such heartfelt words that your heart tears. Is it wrong to yearn that praise? Try not to want it listening to your family a buzz about the ones they love.
Why is it wrong for me to want a piece of that joy? A fragment of that heaven they all seem to be in. To be a part of the secret club they have seemed to join. TELL ME WHY THAT IS WRONG?!?
Tell we why I am not allowed? I just want to know then I will stop asking. I simply want you to give me a good reason. One backed up with good logic and an explanation that will free me.
Then I will stop eating to fill the loneliness that it leaves.
All good things come in time, and until that time comes, we must all watch others enjoy the fruits we envy so much. I know what you're going through, but, you have to push through. We are lions, and only few can sing like lions because we sing until we're gone, and we've got each others backs until we're back where we belong.
ReplyDelete